Guest Post: The Bachelor’s Boundless Bull[crap]

15 02 2011

by Eric Gray

Brad Womack

Just look at the intelligence behind those eyes.


[Editor’s note: Jess here. I think Brad Womack is a borefest and have been disinclined to write about his “journey,” so my awesome boyfriend decided to take the reins for this episode. I’ll pop in here and there with some insight; just look for the italics.]

Jess informed me that her Monday nights are henceforth to be filled with bitchy, sobbing, fawning women embarrassing the crap out of themselves for the love (er, attention) of one dude: Brad Womack, The Bachelor. So, I have a weekly choice to make: A. spend my Monday nights away from the woman I love and go do something reasonably unproductive, or B. spend my Monday nights with the woman I love and participate in something that is unquestionably unproductive. I chose B.

We all know that Brad is an idiot and boring as crap. We can’t dispute this. He’s overly polite to the point that I’m not sure he could form sentences without the words “PUH-LEESE” and “Will you EXX-CUUSE USSSSSS for a second.” [EN: I smell a drinking game….] His basic demeanor is flat, reactionary, and constantly in a state of feeding off the women’s energy while letting none of his own personality (beyond his predilection for producer-foisted X-TREME activities, pool parties, and candlelit dinners) shine out from beneath his doofus-sheen. In short, he sucks.

Really, the whole show is a packaged fantasy. The promise of the show actually building a relationship between two people is fake. [EN: It has happened in a few cases. Bachelor fans will argue this point, so it’s worth mentioning.] For the majority of these ultra-vetted, producer-picked, far-too-young women, this is a fantasy they can experience and be led through, with the hope of finding love—and having some time in the spotlight—and for some other women, it’s a fantasy they can control and play like a game. But it’s a bubble; the whole thing exists in a vacuum. I pale to think of what happens after the winner goes home with The Bachelor, when she finally realizes that away from the spotlight, beaches, bathing suits, endless alcohol, and ziplines, he’s about as interesting as white rice on a saltine cracker, and cannot verbally get out of his own way.

I guess for some, getting their 15 minutes in the spotlight is awesome, but I can tell some just aren’t cut out for it. Ally [EN: She was eliminated last week] and Britt, both I’m sure decently nice people, just couldn’t get their heads around what the show was about. They couldn’t live it large in front of the cameras, and were edited to come across as dull and uninteresting, or at least not ready—read: too immature—to love 38-year-old Brad. Britt actually struck me as quiet and thoughtful, and Ally was just too freakin’ young. And then on the flip-side, you have Michelle, the obvious producer-plant. She understood the rules of the game and manipulated the hell out of it, all while gaining publicity for her new movie. She didn’t love nor necessarily even like Brad, and I suspect she saw him as an opportunity to further her own career. This would explain her outrageous behavior and complete indifferent shutdown as she was sent home. We were spared a look at her family too—I shudder to think of what they would’ve been like.

The funeral girl, Shawntel, is still my top choice. She’s the most interesting out of all of them. Even then, though, I honestly want to know how she and Brad would work with the cameras turned off. But maybe they want the cameras to be on them all the time, to live the “Hollywood” lifestyle. Like Survivor, this is about as far from “reality” as you can get. I just hope everyone involved knows it. [EN: Reality TV Common Sense: The Bachelor is far more scripted and planned than Survivor.]

As an aside, however, Jess and I have decided that Costa Rica looks like a totally freakin’ awesome place to take a vacation, and we’re planning it now.

[EN: Just some stuff that Eric forgot to mention: Chantal is not fat. She’s a beautiful, curvy woman, and you’d eat some big meals if you were in Costa Rica and Anguilla too, especially if you were being plied with alcohol every waking minute. Lighten up, America. Also, I’m willing to bet that Emily’s kid is freaked out more by the camera crews than Brad, but the producers will work every angle they have. If Brad ditches Shawntel because of her job, he’ll lose every last lingering shred of respect I have for him (which is almost nil anyway), and I’m surprised that he kept Ashley—she seems more like a kid sister than a wife. I felt sorry for his unceremonious dumping of Britt, and the fact that she had to face the other women while she packed—what a horrid experience! And finally… ding, dong, the bitch is gone! Thank goodness. Sayonara, Michelle.]